BEST of the LARGE: Fever Dreams, Come Wine with Me

[ed. You never know what will find its way to your inbox. tBoW contributor The Large offers a wine-related story and poem which inspired the following preview comment…”Next week, at Large’s commitment hearing, I intend to read his “poem” as evidence…….of what, I’m not so sure. First Alan Ginsburg’s “Howl”, and now this.” What follows – especially the whale tale – is TRUE. And do not neglect the shocking wine reviews at the end!]

I wanted to make a comment about the history of the “silly factor” in wine–in Ancient Rome during the reign of Caligula there is ample record indicating excessive consumption of fermented beverages and the “silly factor” eventually gave way to a deluge of bored drunkards pushing the envelope of depravity–suddenly an utterly bored ruling elite found their courtesans observing them with horror and fascination. However, under the right circumstances, a certain wine can be the perfect complement to an all around exciting day–and particularly in summer.

Take a typical Sunday afternoon a couple weeks back. In Orange County, for a mere $12-$14, you can add to your $150 Jet Ski Rental at Dana Point Harbor, an excellent Ros√© from Nimes or Northern Spain at High Time Cellars. Such as the recent tout on, “A Sonoma Ros√© of Mourvedre from Bedrock Wine Co.” So I packed an ice bucket and left the pinky chilling in the car as I zoomed past the breakwater, bouncing on the whitecaps, flying off waves, shredding up live bait doing salt spray donuts.

Suddenly I noticed a second jet-ski doing the same, piloted by a tall and lythe butter-tanned Scandinavian blonde vixen (or perhaps surgically disguised mermaid) approximate age: 26. I fizz-rocketed after her, marveling at her bouncing and turning technique, and finally when I got close she suddenly slowed–completely ignoring me. She was staring straight ahead startled and mesmerized. To my shock I realized a huge gray submarine had surfaced between us–and suddenly my your engine cut off…

My jaw dropped open in fear and wonder as I witnessed SIX MORE greyish blue submarines, each ninety footers, surrounding us both. And I wondered if the terrorists had come up with a clever new invasion technique, then one of the subs spouted a massive fountain of water on me and my mysterious jet-ski comrade. The giant creature who just douched me turned a bit, and I saw this massive eye wink at the two of us! She turned to me and I recognized she was that runner up on last season’s “America’s Next Top Model” who should have taken top honors, but she got in a cat fight with Tyra Banks, calling her a “psychobitch” on-air (totally justified).

I also realized the two of us were now sharing this incredibly profound, moving, and spiritual “eco-moment” communing peacefully with a significantly oversized aquatic species, likely more intelligent than our own. After the cetaceans dove again, I said to her, “I happen to have something rare in the car, from Sonoma actually, and it’s perfectly pink and chilled. After such an experience, it’s only fitting that I share it with you.” Of course she smiled wickedly, giggled and nodded, and later when I poured, I knew the real excitement was just about to begin…

Note: a record number of Blue Whale sightings occurred in the 2010 migration off the Southern California Coast, and our western Pacific “coastal population” is now reported to be in the 2,000-3,000 range after their recovery from near extinction forty years ago.

Eric Burdon & War – Spill The Wine
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Wine Spill Nightmares

Oh, that swirling cornucopia of savory bouquets,
noses, finishes, flourishes and ripe notes,
now blending together slickly sick and oxidized
like a massive fruity, blood-colored oil spill
five miles deep in your volcanic gut
staining the great gulf of one’s inner cerebrum
clouding all your senses, pouring out eternally
each successive cork purpled and crumbling
into a parade of bobbing little platforms
dancing over a foaming, burning sea of red
and you realize its time for the dispersants…
starting with La Pinko de Negro, Rose de Tempranillo,
then you go lighter, pouring Moscato, Torrontes,
yet the hydra cloud keeps growing brown and
the infernal CNN BP lower intestine robocam
captures the leakage spewing forever and a day
and desparing you stagger into your cellar
smashing that favorite ’66 Heitz Cellars Cabernet
leaving bricks dripping with a fine plum plume
festooned with razor shards and torn label scraps
and now bleeding you angrily clutch that
one menacing trapezoidal glass blade
turning it upon your self, the hole is gouged
in your belly where you insert that improvised
lower tract blowout prevention device (expertly
designed for mass media sales by Dr. Pacheco)
and you stare upward at the blackness above you
through miles of raw petroleum and ocean
subjecting you to the most unbearable, extreme pressure
five million PSI and counting but suddenly
the relief wells are venting and new caps are in place
so you sigh and gently levitate upward
fascinated by the bubbles of your breath and farts
with black turning to purple and eventually deep azure
bursting through the surface startled by your snore…
you awaken only to realize you’re wet all over
and floating in an intertube down the Truckee river
and wisely the next day you resolve not to drink,
and again the next day after that, but the day after
you order that small portion of honey roast duck confit
and they show you the Oregon House 08 port
Touriga National, Tinta Cao, Tinta Madiera, Sousao…
But instead of answering the waiter you fixate
on a corny episode of Star Trek: Next Generation
and you address your server, eloquently pronouncing:
“how profound the Borg: resistance is futile”


New wine reviews!

2006 Domaine de Colette Beaujolais Villages $11: Imported by the redoubtable Charles Neal. The way we love wine. At four years in bottle this wine is soft and fruity but mostly soft. Like laying your head in your Mama’s lap. Mmm. Good. 12.5%

2008 Pierre-Marie Chermette Domaine du Vissoux Cuvee traditionnelle Beajolais vielle vignes $11.80: Blown out by the local wine shop – Woodland Hills Wine Co – when they get to pick up the pieces from a cat fight between the importer (that would be Peter Weygandt) and the local LA distributor (that would be Paul Young). While the spat is delicious in only the most gossipy way the way also shows some strength. Still a bit tannic with premier cru fruit which is a way of saying the wine is bold for a Beaujolais and showing fine flesh. At this price it is a great bottle for the Turkey table. But it may not last! Popularly referred among the WHWCo staff as “the Vissoux old vine blend”. A loving if stern father. 12%

2006 Domaine de Colette Beaujolais Villages / 2008 Pierre-Marie Chermette Domaine du Vissoux Cuvee traditionnelle Beajolais vielle vignes “Cuvee Mssr Petit Ful” $can’t buy this: Unavailable to the plonk drinking public and the plonk pushing retailers. This is a tBoW exclusive! It is a nouvelle cuvee “of the house” or for the Euro infatuated “de la casa”. The tannins from the 2008 still show well but the lovely soft fruit of the 2006 provide enough delicacy to make the wine enticing. The Wnie Bored may have to rule on the vintage, arguably a 2007 if one splits the diff. Drink up! pretty certain the alcohol is not greater than 12.5%


  1. Wavatar
    O' Architect of Glory says:

    I believe the Large is now worthy of the title “Spiritual Leader” His prose have swept me into the sea in search of that svelt puffer fish on a water motorcycle. His poetry confirms for me that Prop 19 has already passed. Unlike his long and prolific love for the word, I am speechless.

  2. Wavatar
    doctore says:

    The sea was angry that day my freng.

  3. Wavatar
    Betsy says:

    fergit the sea, does the wife read this *#$%? I myself participated in a very wholesome whale-watching trip with the youngsters on Monterey Bay and saw lots of blues and hump-backs! unfortunately, we ended our day with a trip to the pizzeria where no wine was served. thx Stumpf for letting me what the heck Eric Burden was singing about…

  4. Betsy–Moojie hasn’t seen this, and here’s my official confession: the whale tale is just an over-the-hill male fantasy on aquatic overdrive–although the record sightings of blue blubber this month is factually a good omen for California–the biggest animal ever known to exist is seriously on the rebound… let’s hope the same is true for the biggest economy ever to crash and burn. Today it’s already fall–but summer has appeared with a baking vengeance… time to get a few more bottles of the pink, and plan to march for Prop 19 at the next OC Tea-Party rally… and see what new visions swirl…

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